www.woodypaige.com - Woody Paige - FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions

Well, well, well… Here we go with a new link and a new FAQ. A “Guest” FAQ! The desire for this link is to attract unattractive others that have relevance to ATH. Or, secondary relevance… For example; professional wrestlers, Martians, clowns, plumbers, strippers, race horses, Mariotti, etc… You get the idea.


So...,what is it you do for a living?
	I place bets on the Calgary Flames to win the Stanley Cup.

The Breeders Cup is coming to Lone Star Park this year - control your enthusiasm! On that note, when's your mother going to stop dressing you?
	Yes.

How come Genius looks so "Cary Grant" on ATH while you Dallas guys look like, well, Dallas guys?
	We don't have the same budget for quality lighting and camera filters as Denver.

How much is it costing you to be on ATH?
	My sanity, my dignity, possibly my marriage. Nothing more than that.

For the record, just admit that you have no business challenging me at any PS2 game...
	Are you kidding? What the hell's a PS2 game? What do you think I'm 9 years old?

What makes you so appealing? woodypaige.com has yet to figure it out...
	So have the producers of Around the Horn who tend to me idle 3 or 4 days a week.

Honestly, how soon do you think it will take for someone to "really" check your resume and suspect fraud? On that note, what's your stance on the McGriddle?
	I'd have to actually be doing something fraudulent. Prefer the breakfast burritos at Sonic.

Can you address all factual speculation that you are getting "blonde highlights" to appeal to a younger demographic?
	The blonde highlights I'm getting these days (and nights) are on a videotape that you'll never get your hands on.


How bad do you wish you were Woody Paige?
	I just want to be in the limo with him.


What is your problem?
	I cannot seem to decide if I want a new Corvette or a ’69. Outside of that, deciding between a nachos bell grande and a mcgriddle is always an issue.

Thank God I stopped dating you…
	Shame… More money to gamble with and more time for PS2 ; ) So, you wanna hook up tonight? Say, around, 3:47am??? Or, how about that, “friends with benefits” arrangement?!?

What is your favorite TV show?
	That’s easy… If your crazy hot, “Sex in the City”. If your not, “Howard Stern”.

Do you think anyone cares about you?
	I know this guy at the track loves me. I gave him the winner in the 7th at Arlington Park the other day.

You realize no one cares about this site!
	Now that’s just immature…

Do you think your clever or something?
	Something

What is your problem (I get this one a lot)?
	I thought I answered this above. Well, I’m also having a hard time banging this round peg into a square hole

Do you make all your dates pay for a night out?
	Only when I lose all the money that I had on me, when the ATM won’t give me any more money and the pit boss cuts my credit cards. This happens quite frequently. So, the answer is no.


What do you do besides; gamble, drink, sleep late, swear, lie, procrastinate, play video games and discuss wrestling?
	I watch WP on ATH. What else is there to do?


How would you describe yourself to a beautiful blonde?
	I’m better than the Lancôme counter (even when they have a gift!).


What do you expect from us?
	I expect you to get to the merchandise link on woodypaige.com and start buying up some shirts. Plus, I’d appreciate some Mauri croc’s – I’m a 10.5.


You know you’ll always be “the one”…
	Really?!? You’ll always be…, You’ll always be a solid 5th behind Stacy Kiebler, Shannon Elisabeth, Anna Kournikova and Linda Cohn. Now, all you girls between 21-26, send all relevant information to info@woodypaige.com. Relevant information is; recent picture, vital physical stats and your credit card limits. Irrelevant information is; you’re level of education, how ambitious you are and your outlook on life.


How long does it take to "pencil in" your facial hair?
	I have to start the night before, and then not shower.

How do you respond to the Dudley Boyz threats of "3D'ing" you through a flaming table full of thumbtacks and razor wire if you ever mute Woody Paige again?
	Look, what these guys do behind closed doors in none of my business.

Haven't your "15 minutes" expired yet?
	I wasn't aware that they'd begun.

What is the relationship between you and the WWE superstar wrestler Rico?
	Have his 15 minutes begun?

How would you respond to my suggestion of throwing a grenade in your closet and starting over?
	I'll wear whatever I don't have to pay for.

How do you respond to the widely offered statement, "Kellerman is a poor man's Jimmy Kimmel"?
	I prefer to think of myself as a poor man's Joe Franklin.

Who is the #4 ranked IBF fly, middle, super bantamweight contender for the NABF title?
	Whoever can afford it.

How bad do you wish you were Woody Paige?
	There is something to being the oldest man on the planet.


Woody, myself, and the rest of the African-American community would like to extend our thanks for your contributions to ATH. Your response please…
	I'm so emotional right now. Please give me a few minutes. To be commended by Woody is exceptional. The man is a giant. He's got the passion -- and hairstyle flexibility -- of Al Sharpton, the wit of Shakespeare, and the sartorial flair of a blaxploitation film star. Look, I'm just a small piece of the puzzle here. We all know the moneymaker in this operation.

As a role model, where do you stand on the McGriddle?
	My position on the artery-clogging McGriddle is that I should have thought of it first. Leave it to corporations to capitalize on the poor eating habits of those who don't have the luxury of billion-dollar budgets. I mean, damn, I grew up around folks who used to create all kinds of cuisine clashes: fried baloney sandwiches, triple-decker ketchup and mayonnaise sandwiches, etc. But they never thought of putting together an ad campaign and selling them to millions of people. I fully expect fried baloney to be on the McDonald's menu by 2006.

Since you are a noted fan of THEE Ohio State University, would you like to be referred to as THEE Michael Holley?
	Oh no. But I am very interested in having a college or university named after me. I think it would have to be a small school (I'm only 5-8). The "athletic" teams would have to be notoriously bad (think Prairie View football for every sport). And, of course, our highest professorship would be the Woody Paige Chair of Counterculture.

With Clarett challenging NFL law, can you please help wp.com understand how Kellerman circumvented ESPN law and gained employment at 14 years of age?
	Hey, I think you answered the question already: Kellerman is one of those phenom child actors. On the ATH version of Mount Rushmore you have Max, Ricky Schroeder, Gary Coleman and -- I don't give a damn how hot she is now, she's still a kid to me -- Drew Barrymore.

Did you lose sleep after Triple H lost the belt at Unforgiven?
	I've had many tough moments in my life, and that loss ranks right up there. It was tragic. The only thing worse than taking a low blow at a man is fighting a man with a groin injury. That should be outlawed! Do you know how painful groin injuries are? Just thinking about it makes me instinctively caress my groin right now. OK, maybe I've gone too far. But the point is that Triple H had a groin injury, so the loss should have an asterisk next to it.

After your controversial selection of Angela Basset for the best “something or other”, would you also say that Justin Timberlake is the best African American R&B singer?
	My God. That's outrageous. Anybody who is anybody knows that, by far, Art Garfunkel is the best African-American soul crooner out there. Come on.

Lets cut the crap and get right down to it… Do you truly believe you can beat me, in any aspect, of Nascar Thunder 2004 for PS2? Speak on that!
	There's a lot of bravado and machismo in your tone, so I should probably respond with some of my own. But the truth is, no, I can't beat you in any Nascar-related thing, save for my ability to run away from any Nascar event. I will, however, destroy you in Madden 2004.

How does it feel to be the second most desired male, by the female community, on ATH behind Woody Paige? That’s quite an honor. Your response please…
	I have to disagree with you there; it's not an honor. Do you think Clyde Drexler took solace in 1992 when he was called the second-best two guard in basketball ... next to Michael Jordan? In fact, standing next to Woody can demoralize a man. You're talking about a guy who is brilliant, is frequently asked to do cover shoots for GQ and Esquire, and has the ability to fill a blackboard -- or "orangeboard" -- with 10 poignant statements in 15 seconds or less. He's amazing. I've got to go now. Thanks for having me.


Are you given more “makeup” time for ATH hosting over PTI appearances?
	More makeup goes into Around the Horn. In fact, I did away with makeup altogether for PTI. Was causing me to break out too much (that tells you how old I am). Why does everyone always want to talk about the makeup, anyway? I'm not ashamed to admit that I wear it. But it's got to stop with a little powder and foundation. Max wears lipstick and mascara. That I won't do. I mean, why doesn't he just put on a dress?

Whats the deal with you anyway? Are you ESPN’s version of Carson Daly?
	I could only wish... He had 18 yr old girls screaming for him. I have teenage boys screaming for my job. Every fantasy geek out there sends in a resume. You know who else I got screaming for me? The Golden Girls demo. One had her grand daughter email the show for her the other day and said I reminded her of Rudy Valentino. What's the deal with that? A lot of people don't know, PTI gets huge ratings for hot chicks 75+.

Is it true that you’re just a caddie and not a member at Bushwood?
	I guess that's something I'm gonna have to live with. The world needs ditch diggers too, you know. (How great was Ted Knight... "How bout a Fresca?")

What is more critical to you – eyebrow waxing or teeth bleaching?
	If I had to pick one it would be teeth bleaching. But that doesn't get to the real issue. The single, solitary answer for me - the one item I bring on that desert island (just like Mr. Paige) is a can of man tan. My boyhood idols right behind Dave Winfield and Don Mattingly???... George Hamilton and Bob Evans.

Do you own the complete Celine Dion discography? And, which release is your favorite?
	Selena, maybe. Dion and the Belmonts, definitely. Celine Dion, no. Hell, no. The only thing a Celine Dion CD is good for is balancing out a table if one of the legs is too short. PS - If you ever run out of toilet paper, Celine Dion posters make a nice substitute. (Can I write that?)

Do you still have a curfew?
	Mr. Kornheiser likes me in bed by 9pm - but only after I've cleaned the bathroom in his dressing room.

Are you too “pretty” to host, lets say, ESPN’s “Spanish Fly”?
	I believe the word is "guapo". I NEVER go on a fishing boat. Not after the Fredo scene in Godfather II.

Is there any speculation to the rumor that you have been quoted saying, “Collin Farrel has nothing on me?”
	May have been taken a bit out of context. What I said was... I've been in a NYC phone booth for longer than he was, and never broke down and cried. What a wuss! But he is a meteor, right now. Gonna be fun watching him crash and burn. He's gonna have an all-time E! True Hollywood Story.

You’re not ever going to be Woody Paige, do you realize that?
	And that's something - after years of therapy - that I'm finally comfortable with. Thank you, sir. May I have another?


What do you do with the money you save by not getting manicures and pedicures?
	The same thing I do with the rest of my money: Acoustic tile.

True or false… When the Moon lines up with Neptune, you can also “smell”?
	False. Though I'm told that I produce a powerful and disgusting odor, I can't smell anything myself. I can only see what smells (and read the closed captioning).

Do you gargle with Scope or Listerine?
	Listerine. That just-bathed-in-turpentine cleanliness gives me a feeling of control.

Have you or will you receive compensation for your disability?
	Compensation has been offered, but I've declined. It's true that I have no body, but it's like the Whitney Houston song goes: "Something-something-something my dignity." And she really belts it out, and then she kinda growls? You know that part? That's what I say.

Would you rather be “Disembodied” or “Disassociated” with Max?
	Tough one. Each has its advantages. Being disassociated from Kellerman makes everyone in the world like you more, but I save so much money being disembodied (clothing, haircuts, car insurance, cigarettes) that being disembodied is what I'd choose. At the end of the day, I'm extremely frugal. Viewers should know that and come to terms with that.

At what age did you realize you only had one of the five senses? How did you react?
	It was two weeks ago, which turned out to be the worst possible age to find out such a thing. It shattered my previous understanding of the world and my place in it. But I'm a pro, and pros keep going.

Being “limb-less”, how disappointing is it to know that you could never choke Plaschke?
	It's almost more disappointing that he can't choke me (I'm also "neck- less").

Are you concerned about your inability to reproduce further “Voices”??
	What do you think? I'm concerned about a lot of the Bush Administration's social policies. All of us in "the community" are concerned.

How discouraging is it to know that you could never be Woody Paige?
	I don't think I'll ever get over it, and such is the bittersweetness of the journey of life. I hate to end on a downer, but you asked. Thanks for watching!! See you around...

2003 www.woodypaige.com

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